TITLE – FREE AND EXCHANGE MANIA.

A commotion outside! Crunching of wheels resulting, apparently, from application of brakes?
I thought – maybe some drunkard has been knocked down, but why near my peaceful (??) house. My house and peaceful! - Oh no!!
I thought I would be setting a good example by finding out who has been knocked down and by whom! Down I went, taking my heavy weight walking stick along hoping to hit the wrongdoer hard and fast and thereby teach him an unforgettable lesson.
Yes! there was a truck near my gate – but I could not see any injured victim anywhere near and as far as I could see.
Later on it dawned on me that I was the injured one! (Why? Pleases read on.)
“Hey“ I yelled at the truck driver, who did you kill man? “Killed?” he looked surprised, “here is your delivery”, you are Mr. Bhag, aren’t you? And your house number is D-54, right?
“Sure, I am Bhag (though I have nowhere to bhago!) of D-54, Bhoot Nagar, but Mr. I am not due for any delivery – neither is my wife! She was operated last year and we have a kid, no more – good family planned, eh?”
Sir!” the truck driver looked annoyed, “please collect your delivery and pay my transport charges”.
Forcefully he thumped a paper in my hand containing a list of 100 odd items and then............ my time machine rolled back and I could understand every maniac bit of mania my wife had suffered from. It was, more or less, the same thing everyday! “Here Billy”, she calls me Billy and I call her Pup: short for Baldev and short for Papilly, “you know, with every 6 Lux soaps,
there are 2 free, with 2 kg Surf there is 1 kg free, with 5kg of Basmati rice, there is 2kg. free and so on and on she went”.
So she would come from the market with 50 kg. of items. She would travel even 15 kms, if need be, to the market and back, pay the taxi a hefty sum, just for some “free” items. I had to foot the bill, of course, which would run in hundreds!
Then ....... these exchange offers! One day when I returned from office longing for a cold drink, I sprang for the kitchen and the fridge – that was missing. Half an hour later, a loading taxi came to unload a new fridge and asked me to pay Rs.200/- as taxi fare.
“Why?” I asked?
“Sir, I have come to from 30 kms, your wife is coming in another taxi with the engineer who will install the new fridge.” So she arrived – my Pup. I had to pay Rs.275- more for the taxi”.
“Exchange offer” she cooed sweetly “new in place of old”
“How much less you had to pay for the new one?” I asked? Rs.1000/-, our fridge was very old hence only Rs.1000/- was made less.” “275+200= Rs.475, was spent and we got Rs.1000/- less,
well we still save Rs.525/-, she explained, please get me 2 cold drink bottles from the fridge? I am feeling very thirsty.”
I am employed in an export firm, I have lot of “homework” to do, hence I do it on my P.C. and store all files in it. One day my boss wanted access to some files and said he would send me abroad to attend a conference and that I would get lavish incentive if we get an important contract. I went home, ran towards my computer room to get the files. But! I nearly died of stroke. There was no computer! I frantically reported the theft to the Police. I tried to trace my wife, finally located her at a Computer Store – she had purchased a new computer in exchange of my old one!
“Where is my old computer?” I asked the computer dealer, “I have some important files there which I urgently need.”
“Just a few minutes ago we sold to a young lady and got a very good bargain” the storekeeper said proudly. I took this customer’s address, tried to locate her but to no avail. I spent lot of money searching for her – taxis, phone calls etc, and in the bargain got suspension orders from my boss!
“Will you now stop this maniac activity?” I fired Pup, no more free offers and no more exchange offers, mind you!”
“But to-morrow ,” she announced, “we are shifting to our new house. I have sold this house in exchange for a new one”, she concluded jubilantly, and you know, no transport charges.
So we shifted to our new home. There were 2 TV sets, one in the sitting room and another in the bedroom. I bought one 51cms TV and got a 21cms set free. There was 280L size fridge in the kitchen, and one 90L in the bedroom. The 90L was free with the 280L one! and yes, I even got a Microwave oven and OTG free with a fully automatic Washing Machine.”
Oh, God! I cursed the markets for introducing the free and exchange offers. Suddenly I heard some child crying and the bang, bang sounds coming from the attic.
“What’s cooking up there?” I asked as we moved towards the stairs.
She opened the door and what did I see? A girl aged 2 years and a boy aged 5 years dressed as a superman, with two pistols in his hands. “Hands up!” he said pointing the pistols at me.
“Who are you?” I asked perplexed.
Pup put her arms around my back, gave me a peek on the cheek. “Oh darling!”, she sighed “you wanted another child, we have only one...”
“So!”
“I went to the orphanage, adopted the boy and got the girl along with him”
“Oh really!” This kind of bargain was unheard of before. I was at the end of my wits now, so I decided to teach her a lesson.
Next day - I rang the doorbell, Pup opened the door. When she saw me, her mouth opened wide in amazement!
I had two pretty damsels, one on either side of me, with their arms inter-twined in mine.
“Who are they?” she screamed at me.
“Well” I replied proudly, “I married one and the priest gave me the other one FREE.”